Grace, Eventually

I am currently reading essays by Anne Lamott (Grace, Eventually). I came across a story of her and her struggles with addiction. Alcoholism and Bulimia. I guess I capitalized those words because of the power they hold over people. I am very involved with how Food has a hold over me. So below are some pieces of her essay as this is her territory, not mine:


"Until a few weeks ago I had been scootching along pretty well for a while in size-ten pants having lost a little weight, feeling I'd nailed the food and weight and body image business when all of a sudden my foot met air, and I was unmoored. Within minutes, I was on the edge of full on food binge, assault eating. I couldn't even remotely find my way back to the path that I'd relied on in the past fifteen years, the path of feeding myself when I am really hungry, trusting my own appetite and staying at the same weight without too much painful obsession. I was starving, and nuts. I prayed for God to help me find my way out, and what I heard was, "call a friend." But something edgier was speaking more loudly, and I pricked up my ears at the sound, even though an old man at a church once told me never to give the devil a ride. Because if he likes the ride, pretty soon he'll want to drive. It felt as if someone determined and famished had taken the wheel. ...I was so lost. I couldn't follow the bread crumbs back to the path of mental health, because I'd eaten them all. ..."

I have been on a "diet" with the assistance of pills for a little over one week. They are helping suppress the sugary crazy void-inspiring cravings. I have even returned two handbags that I recently bought (those that know me will understand this is huge). I am not sure that I will ever come to terms with my body image. I fear that it may not happen. But the alternative is would be to spiral so far down the path of disassociation of who I am that I may never come up for air. I have not had cravings like I did before the (sugar?) pills but there are times that I am so frustrated at having to be so in control and so ReSPonsiBLE for my food intake that I want to scream into the void.

Who knows? The positive? I have begun to make art again. There is always going to be a void and I have to choose its filling. Sometimes I may want it to be filled with cheesecake but for now it is watercolors.

-b